I sometimes can't decide which one was worst. Living in my little shit hole but was my little shit hole - alone. I come home every night to a dark house. Empty living room. Trashed up. And I go inside my little haven. My room. My kitchen. My life.
Alone. A mattress on the floor. A ghetto make shift kitchen on one corner. A dresser and a tv ontop of it. It was where I lived. Where I slept. Where I ate. Where I cooked. I came home to it every night after a long day at work. School and gym. I came home to it alone.There were days when I came home to it, miserable. Pathetic and alone. Especially since he left.
I made through it. I made it work. I would go on long walks along the neighborhood.  I passed the time online. Trolling. Talking with friends. But it still didn't change the fact that I was alone.

I left that and wondered a bit, house to house from there. Still. Secluding myself to my own loneliness. I didn't like talking to people. I'm not good with small talk unless I want to. Or need to. I'm still pretty awkward when it comes to things like these once in a while. I am a gaurded and miserable person. I can be happy when I chose to be. When I try to be. But sometimes its just exhausting to do so.

Now I come home every night to a bustling tiny ass condo. Filled with family and friends. But with that, comes a price - we're all miserable. We're all tolerating each other. We all have our own little shit we're dealing with. I come home to ratchet. It takes everything in me not to slap her. I come home to misery. A woman who allows herself to be used time and time again by the man that broke her. I come home to failure. It was bad enough when I use to come home to my own misery and my own failure. Now it just sucks even more coming home to someone else's failure and you're forced to fix it. If you dont fix it, things will continue to go down the drain. I shouldn't be obligated to do so. But I still do.

I just want to run away. Get away from it all. I want that deafening silence again. I'm moody. I want to distance myself. I am selective of the people I allow in my circle. And when you get too close and push too much. I will push back and punch harder. I am a hard person to deal with. And I know that. 

Actually I lied...

I had high hopes for us. I still do, secretly still waiting for a sign to show we might have something.

The first time someone held me, I was crying. I thought we were over. We were done. I would have been ripped away from you.
You held my hand infront of all your friends. How much shameless hope you had given me that moment. And thats when I realized how stupid I was. I ended up staying. Yet you ended up leaving.

A distant memory

Ironic how there are some things we want to forget but we simply cannot. Are these things plaguing our mind. Is it even really a plague? Or do we simply just enjoy reminiscing the days gone by.

->We had been walking for quite sometime. Where were we headed to? I don't recall.
I had my arm wrapped around your forearm. Our arms intertwined.
We were too scared. Too shy to even hold each others palms. Wind our fingers together. As if to confirm how comfortable and secured we are with one another.
It was the closest I've ever let anyone be.
I wouldn't be the first.  I was nervous. I was anxious. I was excited.
What is this. How can this person let this be. How are they so trusting to let me do this to them.
How am I trusting them to get this close. My cold exterior is slowly melting.

The air was cold and crisp, the sky was dark. It was drizzling, it wouldn't take long before it would rain.
I had paused and you kept on walking...
I was typing out a message on my phone, without much of a thought I just stopped. Concentrating on the message on my screen.
You kept on walking on. I wonder if you did it on purpose. I secretly wish you did.
Our arms slid from our hold as you kept on walking. You trailed down my forearm till your hand found mine. You didn't turn to look at me, you just kept walking. Your hands were surprisingly soft, gentle and warm despite the cold. I'd always imagined them to be rough from work, from all the cigarettes you smoke. Just judging by the sight of your forearm. You hands were a contradiction.

Little words were exchanged between us starting that moment. I honestly probably could never forget.

I never imagine I could be such a rude child. But all that pent up anger/rage towards your disloyalty probably reved me up to say what I had to say.
Granted, I sprinkled sugar over them to make them less bad. But that doesn't excuse the fact that I've said rude things. I said all that because I was mad at you. You abandoned us, betrayed us. You might as well have fed us to the lions.
I want to say I hope guilt follows you. But I don't know if I'm that spiteful. Maybe I am.
I'm tired of being caught in between your squabbles. I just hope you realize how much you disappointed me and how much I don't need you in my life.
Its a shame.
Your such a mess.

As much as I'd like to say I blame you for making me turn out to be the person that I am - the old bitter and angry person that I am. I can't exactly shove all the blame onto you.

I mostly blame myself for not being a stronger person. For not being able to push out these feelings and block them all out.
For falling for all the lies and sparkles that you threw that blind sided me and thought things would be different.

Need to harden yourself again and not fall for the lies people throw at you.
You don't need them. They don't want you.

LJ is so dead. I've migrated over to blogspot once again. I can't recall how long I've been blogging. And these posts. Well. no one really needs to know/read. Its mostly a place to just spam my thoughts and ramblings if I dont feel like throwing it onto my tumblr.

hate holidays

let me take a second to rant here LOL.
I don't really post much ranting blogs on my blogspot (dearxx.blogspot) because, no one wants to read that..I actually want to go and clean up that blog a bit. I haven't even had a chance to change the layout.

blargh but thats beside the point. I haven't even bothered changing or updating my tumblr either. lol. simplicity at its finest.

work. is. pissing. me. off.
no. let me rephrase that. Work always pisses me off.
But the holidays for a fact really brings out the best and worse in people - and when you work in customer service - you only see the worse in people.

I work in scheduling / customer service. I've had several customers calling and screaming demanding to get their installs done ASAP. Yes. Wouldn't we all want that done. I understand when you purchased a product this expensive and was given a set expectation you expect that to be met- as a customer. Yes. But really. You did not need to take it out on everyone else. That I can probably let it slide now looking at it on a customer perspective.

But the other thing that pisses me off. The phones won't stop ringing.  You just feel like your being choked and suffocated with the amount of calls ringing in. But yay. Job security.

But. There are several other people in the damn office and how much there are _ people walking around....

And how does a company expect you to function and work as an independent worker when they refuse to give you tools to help enable it.
You work the closing shift but have to pester a manager to override the system when you pretty much did all the leg work and know it can be done - has to be done.

And all I want for xmas is to be left alone. I want to enjoy a nice quiet night, with a nice glass of something alcoholic. And Call of Duty. But that isnt happening. Roomate's gf's family is coming to town.
we live in a tiny 2 bedroom condo with 5 people. Shit happened. My family had to move in with us.
I donotlikeherfamily. I just want to be left alone.
I work till late xmas evening and I have xmas day off but I go back to work the following day after.

I haven't had a 'vacation' in a while.
I just booked my hotel for ALA in January. I won't be staying in the hotel the con is being held at. I'm not in the biggest mood to go tbh. But its that or be at home with my brothers gf. I think the lesser of the two evil is to go to ALA.
And their shitty internet connection. I doubt I can connect to xbox live or even get on CounterStrike from there. orz.

It'd be nice to go and see friends I guess but I'm feeling quite like a hermit lately.

I've been in such a bad mood lately. Forever bitter and mad. Then again, when am I not.

/end rant.