I sometimes can't decide which one was worst. Living in my little shit hole but was my little shit hole - alone. I come home every night to a dark house. Empty living room. Trashed up. And I go inside my little haven. My room. My kitchen. My life.
Alone. A mattress on the floor. A ghetto make shift kitchen on one corner. A dresser and a tv ontop of it. It was where I lived. Where I slept. Where I ate. Where I cooked. I came home to it every night after a long day at work. School and gym. I came home to it alone.There were days when I came home to it, miserable. Pathetic and alone. Especially since he left.
I made through it. I made it work. I would go on long walks along the neighborhood.  I passed the time online. Trolling. Talking with friends. But it still didn't change the fact that I was alone.

I left that and wondered a bit, house to house from there. Still. Secluding myself to my own loneliness. I didn't like talking to people. I'm not good with small talk unless I want to. Or need to. I'm still pretty awkward when it comes to things like these once in a while. I am a gaurded and miserable person. I can be happy when I chose to be. When I try to be. But sometimes its just exhausting to do so.

Now I come home every night to a bustling tiny ass condo. Filled with family and friends. But with that, comes a price - we're all miserable. We're all tolerating each other. We all have our own little shit we're dealing with. I come home to ratchet. It takes everything in me not to slap her. I come home to misery. A woman who allows herself to be used time and time again by the man that broke her. I come home to failure. It was bad enough when I use to come home to my own misery and my own failure. Now it just sucks even more coming home to someone else's failure and you're forced to fix it. If you dont fix it, things will continue to go down the drain. I shouldn't be obligated to do so. But I still do.

I just want to run away. Get away from it all. I want that deafening silence again. I'm moody. I want to distance myself. I am selective of the people I allow in my circle. And when you get too close and push too much. I will push back and punch harder. I am a hard person to deal with. And I know that.