Jul. 22nd, 2011 | 07:39 pm

Just when things are finally starting to look up
i got pulled aside from work and was informed that they need to cut back
my hours. Back to part-time, possible 25-28 hrs a week.
yeah. so basically back to being a broke ass. $200 weekly check.
trying to make the $600 rent check monthly ontop of my other bills
so I guess that new Camera or that iPhone isnt going to happen at all.
sucks that school is too full to even accomodate me either.
So, what am I to do now?....

Dad wants me to pursue my cosmetology license.
I'm honestly more worried about trying to make the money to even survive
pay rent and etc.
fuck.
lawl.
just when things are starting to look good
I was just thinking the other day too that 'wow, this is going too well...
and obviously. I went and jinxed myself. Awesome.

edit:

its 2:30 am and I have been self loathing myself for the last hrs or two. and with each passing minute I just keep sinking deeper and deeper into self loating and despair
just when  I thought i was finally over that at this point in my life where I should be over that. Guess old habbits simply die hard.

Shin once mentioned that when I care about someone, I have a tendancy of pushing them away.
I guess its true.

I bring up stuff to hurt them. In a way, its also to hurt myself.

its true. I do want to push them away.
because im afraid of getting hurt...

I get attached too easily. All I wanted is to be near them, to be cared for. For me to be numero uno in their lieves.
but at the same time I want to be strong and respect their space.
I dont want to be infatuated with someone. I hate/love this feeeling.
in the end i just end up hurting myself.
i tell myself time and time again i need to give up. and move on.
i dont like this cruel game.

I always feel that im not good enough. FOr someone who IS more tahn anyone could ask for, I loathe myself all in the same.
Iknow i can be good to someone if they gave me a chance. I know I can be amazing. If i give myself a chance too.

but i clearly have too much baggage im afraid to let go.
i need to learn to get over these.

I need to get over them. I cant kill myself night after night thinking about them.
thinking about how much I want to be with them.
only in the end to be ignored.

........what am i doing. why am i doing this to myself.
in the end i always cave in and reply back. like a stupid little puppy. time. and. time again.