Jan. 26th, 2011 | 07:14 pm

Yay more Pretty Reckless lyrics and song references... This post will pretty much consists of events from today, the day before as well and just...everything I have been ranting and rambling all along with....

so moving on....

I'm honestly...really pissed. lawls. I spent the entire morning being a fucking pissy mess.
I'm also so sick of girls/boys - MY FRIENDS for that matter for being stupid and insisting on holding on to stupid relationships and keeps insisting on holding out to their stupid significant other who are clearly not worth it. ==ll
that or I'm clearly just really pissed at them and just want to dodge and ignore them since its come to the point where I am seriously sounding like a disgusted broken record and so sick and tired of hearing from them and they seem to keep catching me on a bad day or note for that fact.

I just feel like, hey, I got my own shit I'm trying to deal with, do you honestly think I could give a rats ass about YOUR problems right when my bottle of vodka, almost halfway done arleady and still hasnt done much for me? ==;; yeah I dont think so buddy. now go cry to someone else who can give a rats ass since at this point I'm just going to bite your head off and tell you how much of an idiot both of you are.

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I woke up today to my dad calling me again - basically just to give me the bad news that the car's transmission is totally jacked up and dead. And it would cost us roughly between $1,000-$3,000. Which could have been a downpayment to a new/used car.  Both my mom and dad just spent a good chunk of time lecturing me at how I killed 3 cars in the span of 2/3 years. Amazing. Thanks. And telling me at how bad I am with 'maintenance'. I honestly think I'm probably better off getting a bus pass for now and riding a bike around. So I've looked into Craigslist already for a bike and found a womens mountain bike for $75. Offered the lady $65, It seems like shes willing to let it go for that much.  I havent replied yet, I was hoping I can give it till Friday so atleast I'll have money in my account since I'm waiting for my paycheck to come in again.I just spent $70 on dad yesterday getting him a new monitor and keyboard....==;; and now hes asking for a new antena for the CPU since I guess the signal is really weak.

-sigh- welcome to my world, thats what i had to deal with before.

Honestly, I'm not gonna lie, I'm nervous to have to go back to using a bike, well, more like, nervous to have to be riding at night from work. I believe I can cover the distance from the condo to work just fine. Now I just gotta figure out what I'm doing regarding a 2nd and 3rd job since clearly the Call Center wont be giving me anymore hours for awhile and I'm very much nervous about them NOT giving me full time. Its just so difficult to live right now....its a pain in the ass.

its really making me rethink wtf am I doing, or am going to do. How desperate am I to find work, would I be willing to work the graveyard shift at Fast Food places? Am I willing to work the morning shift and go to my call center job at night and hope to get another job for the weekend if neither job gives me enough hours?...wtf. and, to what is all this going to do for me?

I'm still rethinking what am I going to do about this weekend. I'm honestly hoping stephanie can lend me her bike so I can save the $75 and spent that on a $75 bus pass instead so I can go further than JUST Mira Mesa ==;;
but this still doesnt fix my issue of having to try and find a 2nd job. Blargh.

And then Dad keeps calling me -again- after he spent the good morning lecturing at how much I fail, to come over and cut His hair, honestly dad. I'm seriously not in a good mood. I've been feeling down since this morning, between depression - failure to raging.

I'm trying to cool down since I am still currently at work and am in a pretty foul mood and I'm so tired of being in a foul mood. Since I'm frankly tired of having to duck and hide from everyone just so I dont have to bite their heads off and I'm tired of trying to put on a fake smile so no one has to ASK me whats 'WRONG' well, ALOT of things are wrong. And I clearly dont where to start, how to start and frankly, I'm tired of being such a burden to everyone.

I'M JUST TIRED OF IT ALL.

 I might just stfu, suck it up and ask to be dropped off at my grandma's so I can cut my dads hair and hopefully leave as soon as thats done since I am not in the mood for small talk or to be lectured again. I'm looking forward to that bottle of Vodka. I hate the taste. I hate the feeling. but at this point, atleast I can numb myself from everyone else with it.

EDIT:

I dont understand why I am in such a shitty mood alot of the time and when I get home, try and wind down, I just force myself to be in a better mood. I'm so sick and tired of being down. Feeling down. Just feeling tired and helpless.
I feel like I do need a good cry, but I havent allowed myself to.

I've prided myself to be someone whos strong and i hate myself for crying to you, for wanting to cry to you.
For wanting to see you even after I said I dont want to show you my weakside, I dont want you to see me cry, hear me whine, listen to me bitch and shit. Fuck. Why couldnt I simply resist my phone and stop myself from texting you a cry of help...
I dont want a repeat of Shin. I dont. I dont want to rely on someone else to cry on.

After work my bro and his gf picked me up and I was still in a foul mood, and my dad kept texting us again, this time asking for a DVD player, we assumed it was for him. I was already irritated and that was the last thing I needed from someone as well. But it turns out it was for grandma. But still. Whut, her own KIDS cant afford to buy her a DVD player?! get on craigslist and find a cheap one or go to Frys/Bestbuy for jezbus sakes they are cheaper now! ==;;

but yeah, I was super irritated, I dont know why. Maybe I do and maybe I dont.Maybe I'm just stressed with life right now.

long story short at the end of the night my brother snapped at me coz I guess I was being stupidly pissy and it had to take his gf to calm him down and just letme pass. I fucking hate this shit.