Jan. 28th, 2011 | 05:10 pm

Entry written up yesterday  but havent gotten around to posting it till today...

----> Day 3 or 4 of me and my broken sleep pattern?.../: I still still pretty upset a good portion of the night and not gonna lie, I was trying to 'drown' it out by numbing myself up with alcohol and just chilling it out.
I've had troubles sleeping, appetite issues and annoyance. Clearly the alcohol hasnt quite done it for me. Lol, but its ok.

I did cave in and started talking to Ash and Shou, I was mostly trying to avoid talking to Ash but in the end I was an idiot and simply really couldnt stay away and in the end I always ended up feeling bad coz. I wanted her to know whats going on but at  the same I wish to try and disclose some info from her so shes not so worried and it sucks coz she always feels like "I dont know what to say"
sometimes, it doesnt even really matter if you have anything to say but simply a matter of just letting the other person know you just want them to cry.
Q_Q she offered to let me cry on her shoulder whenever but I'd most prefer not to?...I guess I'm still holding on to the facade that I am a strong person and whatnot.  And I dont wanna waste the little time we will have together crying my eyes out to her lawls. its ok, I'll try to hold my head up high and keep myself together. Though there are times when I feel like I am just about to burst.

I woke up several times this morning, first at 4am when the dog insisted she needed to take a dump even after I already took her out at 1am that night! ==; and closed out the kitchen where the dog is suppose to be and was quiet the entire time since I know I didnt wanna ruin her cycle but in the end shes ruining whatever is left of MY cycle ==;;
And she woke me up again at 6am. AGAIN needing to take a dump! == and its a pain since we dont have a yard so everytime I take her out, I had to bring a bag, clean up, walk to the dump and throw it. and its COLD and i'm SLEEPY.
so, yeah, now I  have a lovely lil headache and then obviously my dad calls me around 9am == and stuff...=3=

but I rolled out of bed today expecting to be a better person, to try and not bite anyones heads off and just....try not to rage and bite people off. D<

.....fast forward to the afternoon ==ll and dad gets irritated that I refused to go with him to take bro to work, well I had it in mind that he would rtake my brother to work and come back for me since...well,lawls I was stuffing my face with cereal and I didnt see a point in going with him when I had another hour and  a half to kill before work and I'm trying to limit how much time I have to spend with dad since I know hes going to be asking/talking about the stupid car and lecturing me nonetheless....
sure enough it was true. He drove me to work and a good portion of the time he went there, yes he opened up the topic of how I'm irresponsible I am for killing the cars and not being responsible enough to be taking care of them
== UGGGHH IM SO SICK OF THIS PLS JUST GET OFF MY CASE
I DIDNT EXPECT TO GET LAID OFF WORK
I DIDNT EXPECT FOR MY BROTHER TO /NOT/ BE WORKING FOR AWHILE
I DIDNT EXPECT TO HAVE THE /TRANSMISSION/ BREAK DOWN ON ME! WHEN WE TOOK THE CAR TO GET LOOKED AT, EVERYTHING SEEMED FINE! OTL!

but yeah so dad might be dragging me tomorrow to go to a car dealership even though I totally dont have money at all for it. and my dad is expecting me to come out with $500 to use as downpayment for the nonexistent car we will be looking at tomorrow at dealers ==

Really stresses me out knowing I need to make rent, money to pay for bills and then all this other shit.

D< lets top it off with Q____Q me coming into work and getting called into one of the managers offices to get a written verbal warning instead. Apparently when I was doing the calls last night I must have missed one! and I guess the cust had made such a huge fuss over it and it ended up involving one of the VPs
I feel so bad OTL I normally make it  apoint to leave NOTES on every single work order I touch to make sure I cover myself! They said they even checked my call log and it looks like I didnt even call the customer! :O URGHHH OMFG WHUT and I even noted on the work order 'no answer no voicemail' TAT
the manager was nice enough to let me go with a verbal warning instead of a written warning. I've gotten a warning before, 2 yrs ago when I first started working here OTL and I had made it a point to watch myself! Now I'm a paranoid twit about it, since I feel any little bit of mistakes I make can jeopardize my chances of a Full Time position or even worse - getting laid off OTL and I cannot loose ANOTHER job. If that happened, I dont know what I would DO! D<
I already feel like I've hit plenty lows already. how much more lower could I get? Q____Q

Fast forwarding to later that night, I more or less pretty much laid low, dad and mom kept insisting I still go try and see if I can apply for a car loan, to be honest I KNOW for a fact I'll only qualify for a very tiny one ==;;