Jan. 23rd, 2011 | 03:55 am

Day 4 of having Dad back and I'm still more or less finding myself short tempered, easily irritated.Not necessarily with him, but just with alot of things in general. Iunno. I just feel like all I have left is my LJ to simply, bitch, rant and blughhhh!!!!!
I seriously dont understand how I turned out the way I did /: sometimes I wish I was less vocal about it, or sometimes I wish I just wasnt such an angry person, truth be told. I feel like I AM getting better about it. I have alot of flaws. I am only human afterall. But, between my family, I feel like I would definitely be the first to admit I am at the wrong, or atleast be the first to admit that I certainly do have a problem and I most definitely need to try and fix it. But I will not lie, I will admit to myself that I /need/ to fix it, not for myself but for others coz I know, their not going to change. So I might as well change.../myself/ so I can be a better person...for them Just because I wouldnt want to deal with them.

I'm physically tired, but my mind is awake and I feel like I need to write this all out or I will simply forget and never do it.
I've been forcing myself to write my thoughts, my ramblings. Everything as much as I can as a form of exercise to simply just...write everyhing. Document and whatnot. I have alot of these entries as friends-locked simply because I know I dont really have alot of 'friends' on LJ anyway and its not like alot of them are very personal close friends. I want a few poeple to be able to read this, but, sadly the people I had inmind does not have LJ so its ok. I hope to be able to someday look back at all this and feel silly and stupid at how I was....and even writing this I have so many typos but I dont even feel like going back and fixing them lawls. Since, I am tired. LOLZ and cannot be arsed ot go bcak and simply make simple corrections. Hi~ iunno why. yet here I am bitching about the typos. I make myself LOLZ.

I had a terrible time sleeping on the couch last night. I think I kept waking up and rolling around or more like...maneuvering myself to try and find something comfortable in the end, around 6 I was wide awake and had to FORCE myself to get SOME sleep again. Around 9ish when my brother left for work, I just sucked it up and went to his room even if his GF was still there, I just laid on the floor and passed out till noon.
Thankfully my portrait shoot had been rescheduled so I was able to sleep till noon, get up and retouch my hair in the bathroom and get ready for the day. Which mostly consisted of me making a run to the storage unit and dump as much of my crap in there as I can and gathering my old desktop so I can get Dad set up with my old PC since he insisted he needed a computer. And as anxious as he was to get the computer going, the desktop turns on = yay! I know its not that bad atleast but then...the monitor is missing the power cord. ==
and he spent the rest of the day calling me, bugging me (I was in another shoot come mid-afternoon/early evening) insisting I fix the compter situation. D: and at that point I'm already pretty irritiated but I try not to. I really just wanted to throw my phone out the window at that point since the PA for the shoot has been kinda bugging me as well....

So yeah, me and my brother were thinking, while we are glad that dads back....in a way, its kinda really annoying since he needs to really understand that we definitely have our own lieves and though I feel like I'm more sympathetic in comparison to my brother in regards to 'spending' time with Dad, I do agree that Dad needs to realize we have our own shit we need to do and want to do and have our own lieves and 'place' only reason why I had to "" the word 'place' is coz, I'm not fully convinced that this condo is 'my place' atleast not untilI fully move in and even if I did, I personally still feel alittle out of place and awkward since...its my brother and his GF's place...and that I feel like I'm simply a boarder. D: and I wont lie, they are still akward, I try to stomach it down but I am...disgusted in a sense. I dont want to, I want to be HAPPY for her since shes liked my brother for HOW fucking long but she seriously annoys the shit out of me sometimes and I think my brother can do better, astheticly wise. but to each their own. And other than that, she is pretty annoying and loud and overbearing. But who isnt?....
that I guess the biggest thing for me is, I'm just disgusted with how they got together. So I guess in a way I feel like who is she to harp on me about what I do when she and him shouldnt be one to talk. I dont want to get into details on how they got together, I'd just make myself barf a good one if I had to go into details and I believe they deserve that much privacy to keep that in disclosure. He isnt proud of it, so no one should.

But yeah, Dad. Sorry I got side tracked. were kinda glad hes here and all but, he needs to understand that i'm /not/ a kid anymore and I know I /need/ to have that talk with him where we just need to sit down and figure something out. And straighten some stuff out.
I'm seriosuly getting tired and I hope I'll be able to atleast get some thoughts down and probably re-enter some missing pieces later on...
its weird, having Dad back, I know hes back and all but its weird, akward and surreal. Coz, I still feel like, though he is back, hes efinitely still relying on us to help him get back on his feet, which I can definitely undetrstand but its hard for me to tryand support someone when I cant even support myself. I had to leave Grandma's house to make room for him and now I'm on couches and floors again. I feel guilty that I cant help him any more than myself, but. it just sucks. ==  I kinda wish he stayed in florida for a bit longer where Mom could have helped him but at the same time I understand his anxiousness to get back here and get his life back together, I'm just sorry we couldnt quite give you back your dream of that one big picture family where we're all together. its just quite not like that. And I'm even more sorry that I'm not exactly the daughter you guys wanted. lawls. Atleast theres Cara. D':

I've always felt like I wasnt meant to live a...normal life....or BE normal. As a kid I was pretty antisocial, I kept to myself, I was always quiet in class. Even when we first came to the states, it was the same way but slowly but surely I tried to come out of my shell. I'm loud, obnoxious, annoying to friends and people who know me. But I know I've always had another 'face' I wore infront of certain people. My parents to be exact as well....

On the subject of bro and his gf, I'm up right now despite being super tired in a way is because, we had a talk and its defintely got me thinking...again.
for one, I know everyone and their mom - even mine, is nagging on me to get my cosmetology license. I'm not going to lie, yes I a avoiding it like the plague, I dont want to study for it, I dont want to go back to Marinello's and practice, coz I feel like I AM a failure, I've ran away from that place and didnt wanna go back. but I know I /need/ to since everyone agrees and myself included...now is that. I did invest alot of time and money into it. My only cue is, I really dont want to work in a salon anymore. I really want to open business and whatnot, but I know that idea isnt going to fly with anyone. And again this just goes back to me, having to simply suck it up and get my shit together. At this point I just /want/ to LIVE. TAT
excuses, excsues. Always wanting to run away. I've said this on more than one occasion, I just want people to leave me alone. but I know its soemthing I need to face and do eventually. I am confident I didnt forget the procedures, their all muscle memory. I wouldnt mind reviewing, but I doubt I would want to do it at school again....thought it would help I guess to have a facility, but. I saved a good portion of my kit from before, so I guess I can do it eventually when I finally get my head out of my ass to get some shit together.

we got to talking about it is coz she still insist on my brother about going back and finishing his college education, I agree but at the same time I cant say shit. But I feel that since I DID graduate and I simply failed my exam. I'm still a step above him and its not like I'm NOT using what I learned in beauty school ==ll but right now my mind is pre-occuppied with other useless shit. Like, making money, being fabulous and opening business. lawls, I konw steph doesnt approve of my idea of going to LA and opening shop there when I cant even get my t-shirt line working. and she also mentioned that I definitely change my mind alot. Its true I do, but I wont lie, Ive always felt like business has always been my calling. I've simply wanted to test the waters out in trying this whole 'artistic lifestyle out' but lets face it. I'm no artist. I simply like to lie to myself and pretend like I am one. lawls. I'm not gifted or talented like toshi and shin in that area. But I def know is that, I know how to run a business and I'd be satisfied if I can open my cafe and whatnot and just....have that work out for me.

i'm just sorry I'm not perfect, I'm not the person you guys thought I would be. I'm sure more and more now, more of my 'true' characters are coming out, I've tried to keep it underwraps and alot of this is also becoming new to me, everyday I discover something new about myself, or something that I've felt like has always been there but I've simply learned to suppress or deny its existance. And I guess, I did it as a defense mechanism since I realized, now, the more i try to open up. They dont seem to take it as openly or positive as I had hoped they would. So I prefer now, not to be as vocal about everything and simply duck and hide. And thats not me, I hate that. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve and now having to revert back to hiding, ducking and denying. It hurts. It sucks. I hate it. This is probably why I insist on moving out on my own. Leaving, running away to Los Angeles. To me, LA, NYC, big cities like that are meant for loafers, people like me. Who are too much of a dreamer and just doesnt quite fit in anywhere else. Haha. I want to go to school but I dont. I cant afford it, time and money wise. I want to learn, I love learning. But, I know I gotta stop that and just focus on getting my life together, but what exactly am I going to do....

I seriously sometimes hate hate hate talking to Steph. She cuts me off alot of the times and alway manages to make it seem like...I'm doing something wrong. Or I'm just maybe over paranoid?...== I should just seriously avoid her like a plague and not talk to her. jeez. coz she did mention that (after I mentioned to her that i dont really wanna do cosmetology and i really feel like business is my calling) she mentioned that, I definitely change my mind...ALOT. I've done so many things, I regret none of it, only coz I know what my calling is, but, at the same time I feel like I'm guilt tripped. I hate being....'judged' in a way. ugh. fuck. why cant I just learn to take it better. I didnt show i was irritated in front of her, i kept it all in. But, its that inner turmoil now.

Maybe I SHOULD just stfu, get my license and labor myself in a salon for little to no pay ==ll and hopefully find happiness there?...D: would that give me the stepping stone to moving out of SD? I dont know. I'm confused. I dont know anymore Would it bring me one step closer to opening my shop(s)?....I dont know.

I dont want to /cut/ ties with my family per-se..coz that's fuckedup, but in a way. I do just want to run away and be free. D: