Feb. 9th, 2011 | 12:36 am

Sometimes I wonder who is the bigger fool, me or her?
I dont know, have not posted in a while, nothing eventful has really happened. Still pretty stress. Survived Super Bowl Sunday. Played COD Black Ops to no end.

Ash and I havent talked much. well, correction, she just signed in right now and is talking to me on MSN.
iunnno. I'm kinda irritated with her, I feel like, im once again the fool and getting my leg pulled.
I'm trying not to fall for it, or for her. The last couple tmes we've been together was.....cute/fun/cool.
but. lately, i've been having second guesses...

edit:

my entries have been pretty blegh blegh blegh. So I find myself having to go back and and re-edit them.

last night was. weird. simply weird. I was talking with Shou and, yes. I guess I was alittle beat up and alitt;e </3
no, alot. I guess I'm tired of getting my leg pulled, I'm tired of falling for someone and realizing that its stupid, wont work out and etc. I dont think I was really smitten by her that much but I def felt like there was something there. But I guess, she confuses me just as she confuses other people.
I dont think she was really serious, I guess it really was all a game. Its ok, I've been using Black Ops as a way of distracting myself.

edit 2:

I'm really a retarded fool. meh, I've been able to kinda collect myself, I've spent the morning at the gym in hopes to try and ignore what has happened the other night or lat night to be precise, trying to force myself to forgive and forget.
how can you get mad at someon whos dense-er than a piece of rock. Or someone whos so stupid that they don't understand what they did wrong.
And thats exactly whats wrong, is coz, she DOESNT understand what she's doing and what shes done.

I've gone back and forth and pestered the crap out of my friends ears aboutwhat to do.
Do I forgive and forget, ignore anything has happened, ignored that she doesnt understand anything and simply forget anything.

My biggest gripe...as I noted on an email to a friend:

oh man, is that what you meant about your heart wavering?
well, for me its, Ash. I'm kinda wavering. I mean, I dont understand her at all.
sure, we like to mess around wahtnot(like, pretend couply? but not really?)
but see, she'd go around and tell someone else she likes them and im like...wtf xD uh ok? so, this IS just a game right? or....is it?
so like i told her i think i like her and shes like 'of course i like you too~'
but im like, im not convinced and Shou said that Ash said something to her too so im like D: shes not serious
or she doesnt understand at all OTL
atlleast i didnt fall as badly as I did with the whole Shin thing D<
but im over shin but right now, im jkinda tired of getting my leg pulled and shit ==ll
maybei a just an idiot.
im like. MAAAAAAAAAAN F xD i guess i really AM not good enough so yeah thats why im crtazy working out again.

and its BS TAT coz iunno.

the thing is, as much as i like her, the thing is, its funny
she calls me 'ohime' and the joke is i call her 'oujisama' (prince) but clearly
i thnk im more manry than her OTL but she always pays for everythign (or tries to) when we go out at LA
but, yeah thats beside the point.
so lately, ive been trying to get ahold of her, text/call and she never replies or answers
coz shes ALWAYS sleeping TAT and thats tehe, thing, shes ALWAYS sleeping D<
and im trying to tell her about MY life lawls (selfish) but shes neverar ound and when i rant to her, she always doesnt know what to say and honestly, id ont need her to say anything
i just wanna hear her voice or just let me rant but lately, ive been feelling like i SHOULD keep her in the dark
coz she FEELS BAD when she doesntknow what to say to make ME feel better.
so i get guilty for wheni text her too much or when i rant to her
so ive been just, keeping it all in. its easy to fake that everything is ok

but lately ive wavered and feel like. this is BS
why am i roneri LAWLS
when i have good friends to rely on.
i like her but im nto sure anymore, im tired of getting my leg pulled, you know? D:
so, iunno, i havent talked to her lately, not since th e weekend since she blew me off for 3 days xD (czo, well i guess she is sleeping) and iunno what to tell her when she texts me coz
im nto ognna lie, im kinda frustrated and </3
but im trying not to be.

I'm pretty sure I sounded pretty stupid in that email since I was writing it at work and trying to do my work at the same time.
>____>

Alot more has happened to day but I dont feel like whining about it anymore....

I'm so ridiculously fickle it even pisses me off and thats alot. I've ask a mutual friend for help (- this is probably the first time that I've ever been this open about me possibly liking someone >___> btw) but, I soon realized that its falling on deaf ears since she too, is as dense or not as knowledgeable on trying to pry out some information out of someone.

I've told her, I might as well just let nature take its course, walk away from it for now, deal with my own shit and not bother with such fickle affairs of the heart, if can be helped.
at this point, maybe I am using this as some sort of distraction from my own personal demons, my own personal problems that life has thrown at you. Its a nice distracted, a painful distraction, an annoying distraction. Sometimes I wonder if i should just....let it go, not bother and return to being the idiot that I was and simply continue to glue myself to COD.