Oct. 18th, 2011 | 11:26 pm

Sometimes I wonder if she looks at me as the pathetic poor princess that requires pity
or the poor girl that just wants to be loved....

of course who doesnt?...

regardless of the akwardness.
I cried my eyes out last night. Mostly because I wasnt convinced that the answer i wanted to hear, I guess in a way I was trying to convince myself I was never good enough for anyone. I was probably trying to convince myself I wasnt made for anyone.
But what was I really looking for? an excuse?....

I wasnt afraid to throw myself out there. I was at the point that I wanted to throw myself out there and simply satisfy myself satisfaction of trying to figure out how it is to be held by osmoene. even if it was a lie. I wanted to know how it felt like if somone liked you....even if it was a lie?....
even if it was going to be at the point that it was friends with no strings attached. i wanted to lie to myself.
and somehow it still hurts....
only because I wanted her to be honest.
i just wanted ot hear if i was ever someone she would ever have fell for. regardless of her priorities.
i wanted to prove to myself I'm someone ... someone can actually grow to like. physically. emotionally...

i always felt ive had shitty luck when it comes to these things. I always tell myself be harder be harder be stronger. you dont need someone.
but wow idoes it hurt to realize that you're still capable of liking people.
if only you werent.
it hurts.
but it didnt hurt as badly as before
it hurts less and less each time i guess
especially when you try to convince yourself from the start it want goigng to be

but it sucks when you feel like you're constantly beingteased and having that dangled in your face.

i'm grateful she texted me earlier. i thought she was going to avoid me....after that akwward conversation.
i guess at some point im willing to be more masculine if she wants to just be friends.
and whatnot.
i dont know.