May. 16th, 2011 | 06:35 pm

I think one of the biggest problem we all have is admitting we are lonely
too afraid to confront our selves, to confront our emotions.
man is a social creature, were always afraid to be alone.
were also jealous creatures. were always wanting something or someone we cant have
we're always looking at the other side of the bridge. Always thinking that the grass will always be greener on
one side than the other.

I dont consider myself a depressed person. I dont think I'm exactly THAT lonely.
but, I just dont understand or know what to do or where this is leading to.
am I going to forever chase after something, someone? are they  remotely interested in me?
am i just getting my legged pulled? I'd sure hope not, i mean, considernig her actions. I'm sure its not.
but then again, am I goingto be the one whos constantly pushing the envelope? it just feels like
80% of the time im hitting a wall. talking to a wall.
communication is usually a hit or miss. I might as well be using the morse code.
and waiting decades for a single reply.

I rarely update here, for anyone to see. mostly for me to reflect on.

my 23rd birthday came and gone. I  spent it sick - in pain. Gallbladder infection and a good 3 days in the hospital
and my first trip to the ER and my first open surgery - which I had been put under. Awesome hu?
atleast thats something to remember your 23rd birthday for / mothers day as well.

Shin was most certainly not lieing when he said my luck was bad this year. I wonder if next year would be any better?

She didnt even know I was /that/ sick, mostly because I didnt want to keep pestering her
or how do you even bring it up to someone that your sick? your in pain?when you know very well they themselves
needed their own space. since her close friend passed away to, she doesnt talk to me much.
i guess according to her, there isnt much to talk about.

this is a very...shallow. were not in deep. at all. it feels very middle school. highschool?
id be lieing if i said she didnt make me :) when I  talk to her.
i want to make her laugh, smile and lay down next to her. i miss her. but at the same time, what or who is there to miss?
are you just trying to cover up something deeper? /:
i almost feel like i hope this should pass but at the same time i feel like i do it to myself since im the one constantly probing at her
we can go on for days/ weeks without so much as a word. i dont want to pester her too much.
i dont wanna hang myself for more dissappointment.
but how easy is it to just simply pick up the phone when you hear a msg come through?
ugh. so annoying.

while i was at the hospital we had a few exchange of msgs.
one being 'i wish i could visit you'
i hung onto that, hopin - wishing she would. even though deep down i know she wouldnt/couldnt
due to other priorities and i honestly probably wouldnt want her to see me in the state i was in.
when i got discharged, a day or two later i found she had sent me flowers at home
they were 20 red tulips and 20 blue irises, apparently they wre 20 hugs & 20 kissses
since i decided to be bold and msg her sometime that week that i had missed her hugs, and when she held my hand.
and just her in general, we havent seen each other in a while.
im starting to loose hope that this is going to go anywhere but i guess we continue to hurt ourselves
by feeding ourselves infected lies.