Jan. 7th, 2011 | 12:10 am
music: The Pretty Reckless :: Tonight
Clearly its 3 am and why the fuck am I still up?Iunno since staying at my grandmas place - err direct grandma and not the other grandma whose house I had been staying with before - police raided house...
I've felt the need to be a polite "guest" and be awake when everyone else is... even though clearly I'm staying in another room
but still, I don't really feel as welcomed here... not like I've ever really felt wAy anywhere minus for the shot hole I rented for 425 a month... once again I may rag on it but all this goes back to the good ol saying of sorts - that one never really gets to appreciate what they HAD till they loose it a Shame that it usually always has to come to that for us to fully appreciate what we have/dont have (anymore)
(totally typing this entry out on my iTouch since I'm technically in bed already and will most likely be posting this up tomorrow)
Blargh. New Years eve plans had been twarted terribly. By family on both sides. Originally the plan WAS to go to Norcal with Nick and from there, we would hang out with our friends up north and possible make a trip to SanFrancisco and be touristy and whatnot.
but work got in the way, twarted plan 1!!! Plan B was to head to Los Angeles Friday night and catch up with Mei and Shou and Ash.
BUT! Sadly PlanB was twarted by family! For one, my grandma -insisted- I stayed and watch their house while they run away to Las Vegas for the 3 day weekend and I wasnt allowed to have anyone over at all. And my brothrer was also throwing a hissy fit that I should stay in SD with him and etc. since I'm going back up to LA again anyway this weekend for ALA. Blargh. We ended up renting a hotel room for 2 nights.
I figured 'Fine' it wouldnt be so bad considering that his GF would only be there for a day. Steph (bros gf) and I more or less have a...
love hate relationship?...per-se
Ok sorry but yes this is going to be one of those long novella entries once again! So to save your FList. CUUUUT
its pretty much none-sense and bullshit. Again documentation for my own shameless purposes/usage when I decide that my life is better than Twilight and write the next best Shoujo Manga ROFLMAO. Or the next best movie AAHAHAHA or the next best Jdrama xDDDD
(speaking of Jdramas, Last Friends - def a must watch oAo)
( Collapse )
So lets get on with the show!
To be honest, I /dont/ know what the hell is going on exactly anymore. Things are such a ramble. Weirdness. Stupidness. AH!!!
I'm at the point right now where I'm pretty much in limbo - once again. What to do, future wise. Work wise. Jesus.
Since loosing my job at Lifework - I've pretty much...hung around JW Flooring hoping a position would open up pretty soon. It IS a call center
but its still a pain in the butt working here. but a job is a job, its not a HARD job and we get paid over $10 an hr! So I should be quite thankful.
Sadly enough I dont get enough hours at work to fully live off on this job alone. I've continued to hold out for a potential full time position
sooner or later. But again, nothing. Still. Alot of changes are happening at work. Who knows.
Dad is coming back soon as well. But still. I still need to figure out what the hell I'm doing.
I'm pretty sure I missed out on the Spring Semester sign-up date once again. Well, technically there is still some time left to push for a sign up for classes but sitting here thinking about it - why am I wasting time trying to get classes, but really...what am I doing with it?
D: I started taking classes again for Financial Aid and to push back my student loans from Cosmo school.
its quite upsetting to be honest, I went to cosmo school but I havent done much in regard to going back and getting my license. I dont know. I cant seem to picture myself working in a salon.
I feel like Its stypling. And the income wont really be there - but then again, in ANY art field - where would you really be making money anyway?! ugh, I know I keep saying that so long as I have a place to call my own, I will make do and I will find a way to make myself happy with what I have. I know defintely I want to open my own Cafe TAT and a few of my own shops. Do I keep pursuing a business degree from the community college?! What can I do with it. Do I go and follow through with nursing after taking medical assisting before? UGH!!!!
I know I've lately dabbled with the idea of (well, not lately, I've long though about this to be honest) marketing/advertising. Or merchandicing TAT but that requires going back to school. ugh. again, its never TOO late to go back to school. but jeez. what the hell am I really doing? >____> right now I just need to get my shit together. Clearly nothing seems to be opening up much at JW. So I've started browsing through Craigslist looking through for a part-time job. Ugh. I need to revise my resume and just try from square-one once again.
I'm also hesitant on trying to hint for another job again considering my hair IS red. I dont know how much that would make a difference but still. ugh.LOLZ but I figured, if I get hired anywhere, I'd simply invest in a plain brown wig LOLz. Coz like fuck I'd dye my red locks brown LOL....(so soon atleast. Since I'm pretty sure the time will come when I get bored of trying to up keep the red
but I really wish I wont give up on the red since my goal is to someday have long red locks like Park Bom did TAT)
Only coz I'm retarded and I doubt I'll ever grow my hair out that long. UGH! try try try!!!!!
but yes, I tend to skip around quite often. Back to New Years Eve.
Fail fail fail fail fail. It was a fun fail weekend. LOlz. WTH. This is probably the first time I actually did some 'drinking'
I drank a lot, not to the point that I'd gotten tipsy or buzzed. I dont think I really have a high tolerance for alcohol though. I think?....
lOlz. I def know I can drink more than my brother and he did not touch a thing of alcohol at all.
Ash came down later at night, I was quite anxious to have her there, mostly because this is the first time my brother is meeiting another one of my friends from LA
and not to mention, Ash does dress quite andrynously and I know stephanie was there and I'm pretty sure shes picked up on a few things.
>____> we didnt do much friday night, just hanged out, drank and Ash was pretty much more or less pass-y out by the time she got there /:
me and tiff spent the restof the night playing Scott Pilgrim on the XBox since Netflix was starting to fail us - yay for shittty internet connection at the hotel room! :B and I eventually went to bed in the living room area of the room with Ash next to me.
I normally dont like sharing beds or sleeping next to people. I really dont. Only I guess if I like them? duur.
Ive always made it a point to steer clear away from Ash or Toshi when I shared beds with them last few times.
A pillow fort inbetween, Individual blankets to keep seperation. But this time I took a chance and simply shared the bed with Ash
and. It felt nice being next to someone. It felt nice....not being stuck behind unrequintedness.
the only time I've actually been held to sleep. Was a couple AX ago, when I shared the bed with Shin. I didnt really talk much about it coz to thisday it almost felt surreal.
Like it was a dream or a bad dream...I'm not quite sure what. I kept denying and thinking he probably thought I was Matt or something.
Or hes simply seeking 'warmth' since the hotel room was pretty cold. But I specificly remember waking up in the middle of the night @.@ shocked as hell. That was the first time....anyone hadheld me >____> and it was even more akward for me coz I def know I hella pissed him off too that same day. So I can only imagine if he knew who he was sleeping next to. I know he had snucked bakc into the hotel room late at night <___< after drinking a whole bunch with Matt and the gang.
w/e
All I can say is...how akward it was. Its weird. In a heart wrenching sort of way. It felt wrong. But good at the same time. I remember, foolish, stupidass me spent the next year and a half prior to him leaving just...hanging on. Hoping that maybe by some form of miracle, things would turn around my way. Hah. like that ever happened. Since he was prety much hung over Matt for the rest of the time he was with me in SD.
And I know I've pretty much lost him years before when I clearly 'fucked up' the chance when he supposedly asked me out. But again, I was in denial at that point
denial coz there were too many people in the equation - another reason why I hate pestering people that get in the way, or ask too many questions. I prefer to nature to let it take its course.
Its one thing for me to pester into other peoples business - when their clearly asking for it. But I'm sorry, my personal life and own endeavors is my own business, so please, kindly back off. Sadly Stephanie doesnt seem to get the point.
Another reason why I keep alot of things to myself - especially in regard to anyone I potential like?...Since the moment people try and pick up, they tend to get in the way and ruin everything
and Steph has most definitely got in the way more than once on other peoples own businesses as well.
I've always prefered to live a double life of sorts....And this is quite apparently, clearly. With my friends. theres a huge seperation with the people I consider "friends"
here in San Diego and the Friends I hang out with in Los Angeles. All down to the way I dress.
When I'm in Sd. I tend to be more lazy. But the moment I take a train up to LA. We're dressed to the night, even if it means just hanging out at a musem for a day. I'm dressed like I'm going to the next big rock concert of some sorts.
Or to a photoshoot. Constantly on the view of 'gotta impress myself to impress other people'
I'm vain. I wont deny that :B
But I've always felt like the people I live with in San Diego...are..alot more conversative than the ones I hang out with in LA.
And I know for a fact my family is definetly one of them. I wont lie. I AM attracted to the finer things in life, and with that, the finer people in life as well.
I like them pretty and androgynous. Possibly I have my affinity for jrock to blame but long before jrock there was Glam Rock.
But a lotof the time, I just justify the reason why I have "pretty" friends, is, they look gorgeous in photographs and should be 'preserved'
I always feel inferior and insecure next to them but I do hide it well with what I like to call "swagger" :B shameless. Yes.
I have fake confidence oozing out of me, to the point that I fake it so well that I convince myself that I AM confident. Haha. It sounds stupid to be honest but in a way it makes sense to me...kinda.
But yes, I have digress badly. I had shared the bed with Ash knowing full well my brother and stephanie are in the room next door, at that moment I particularly didnt care
hoping Steph would save me the embarrassment of asking any questions the following day, surely, I was wrong. She is alot stupider than I gave her credit for. We went to Dennys the morning off when Cathy and Mikey came. Ash kept insisting on paying for my meal when apparently Steph had it. blegh. Then we trotted towards the Theatre which was just down the street from the hotel. Ash insisted on paying for my movie ticket - I may be broke but I couldnt allow her to buy my movie ticket, this is also my pathetic attempt at knocking down any suspicion from anyone. But I'm sure I didnt do a very good job at it since a few times I caught myself standing near her and an arm over her and vice versa. But I def tried hard to keep my hand to myself :B
At the theatre, (we went to see Tangled again, coz Ash and Tiffany hasnt seen it yet) I had badly wanted to sit away from the group. == but that didnt quite happen.
Later that evenig I went to pick up food for the group and thats when Stephanie had took the chance to try and corner me and demand some answers and clearly wouldnt take 'no, or nothing' for an answer.
Well, how else am I to explain this...little...facade. This little game. According to her the players arent even here. I know it looked like a game at PMX, when Toshi and Brit are around and clearly were trying to mess with a certain someone.
But when their not there, that doesnt mean we cant play around still?... I guess. I know for a fact I'm not realy 'dating' her? I guess. I'm intrigued. Interested. Amused. But I know I've talked to several people about it, its complicated. In more ways than one.
For one, I brought Ash into the 'group' to model with Toshi for BH. So, its a conflict of interest....gah. Iunno. Haha. But no one said we cant play around.
I'm pretty sure I'm over Shin. Theres nothing there. There nothing will ever be. So I moved on. I've hurt myself too much over that. I seriously didnt think I could but I guess time really does work its magic after awhile.
Its bullshit that it simply took him leaving to make it happen. Haha. Well, it was either him or me. And clearly HE was the one that stopped me from leaving for Florida.
At that point when Steph pretty much cornered me, I was irritated as fuck. I dont need her getting in the way. And I dont exactly know where she stands on the rainbow flag.Which makes it even more 'complicated' per-se
that and she IS dating my brother ==
and I dont want to teach my siblings 'tolerance' through me, I dont know. ANd I know shes always in contact with my mom.
To make things worse, my dad is coming back to San Diego. I dont know, I dont want to be in any form of relationship per se until I'm completely living on my own. Away from everyone. Away from people whom I have to 'hide' who I am.
I think alot of people think they know who 'I am' and its not like I completely hide it, but for the sake of keeping them from being uncomfortable. I dont say much or do anything. NOt to mention this is a blow to her since I ve never really been in ANY form of relationship. So I can only imagine the akwardness if I decide to really 'go out' with Ash. BLagh. Thats a complication I dont have time for when I'm dealing with....life D:
Oh how I wish it was simply that easy to move to LA. But even if I'm there, I'd prefer to live in my own pad == but clearly we know how expensive that would be :B
I enjoy Ash's company. I really do. It just sucks that I feel like. I cant really 'enjoy' myself when I have to 'hold back' and truth be told, I dont really do anything. All I wanna do is hold her hand and feel that closure. I'm not a physically loving person. I didnt really grow up with affection as the first thing Iknow, so it IS an akward feeling but it feels...nice? Some sort of closure knowing you're not alone and maybe this is my pathetic way of 'moving on' from keeping myself stuck behind an unrequited Plato for 5 years?....wow I really must have been pretty stupid. It just feels nice to be accepted for once and treated nicely.
BTW. THE PRETTY RECKLESS album has been on fucking repeat on my itouch for the last HOW MANY WEEKS/Month already?! XD its so worth a download. And yes, it IS Taylor Momsens band :B I love their album TAT
Anime Los Angeles is this weekend, I guess I'm driving up Friday night to Shou's place >_> late friday night, cut her hair and head to ALA the next morning then. I wont see Ash for long since she's going to be going back and forth with driving people around and doing her own thing. We havent chatted at all, all this week. :V atleast I get to see Toshi? OTL
To be honest, I /dont/ know what the hell is going on exactly anymore. Things are such a ramble. Weirdness. Stupidness. AH!!!
I'm at the point right now where I'm pretty much in limbo - once again. What to do, future wise. Work wise. Jesus.
Since loosing my job at Lifework - I've pretty much...hung around JW Flooring hoping a position would open up pretty soon. It IS a call center
but its still a pain in the butt working here. but a job is a job, its not a HARD job and we get paid over $10 an hr! So I should be quite thankful.
Sadly enough I dont get enough hours at work to fully live off on this job alone. I've continued to hold out for a potential full time position
sooner or later. But again, nothing. Still. Alot of changes are happening at work. Who knows.
Dad is coming back soon as well. But still. I still need to figure out what the hell I'm doing.
I'm pretty sure I missed out on the Spring Semester sign-up date once again. Well, technically there is still some time left to push for a sign up for classes but sitting here thinking about it - why am I wasting time trying to get classes, but really...what am I doing with it?
D: I started taking classes again for Financial Aid and to push back my student loans from Cosmo school.
its quite upsetting to be honest, I went to cosmo school but I havent done much in regard to going back and getting my license. I dont know. I cant seem to picture myself working in a salon.
I feel like Its stypling. And the income wont really be there - but then again, in ANY art field - where would you really be making money anyway?! ugh, I know I keep saying that so long as I have a place to call my own, I will make do and I will find a way to make myself happy with what I have. I know defintely I want to open my own Cafe TAT and a few of my own shops. Do I keep pursuing a business degree from the community college?! What can I do with it. Do I go and follow through with nursing after taking medical assisting before? UGH!!!!
I know I've lately dabbled with the idea of (well, not lately, I've long though about this to be honest) marketing/advertising. Or merchandicing TAT but that requires going back to school. ugh. again, its never TOO late to go back to school. but jeez. what the hell am I really doing? >____> right now I just need to get my shit together. Clearly nothing seems to be opening up much at JW. So I've started browsing through Craigslist looking through for a part-time job. Ugh. I need to revise my resume and just try from square-one once again.
I'm also hesitant on trying to hint for another job again considering my hair IS red. I dont know how much that would make a difference but still. ugh.LOLZ but I figured, if I get hired anywhere, I'd simply invest in a plain brown wig LOLz. Coz like fuck I'd dye my red locks brown LOL....(so soon atleast. Since I'm pretty sure the time will come when I get bored of trying to up keep the red
but I really wish I wont give up on the red since my goal is to someday have long red locks like Park Bom did TAT)
Only coz I'm retarded and I doubt I'll ever grow my hair out that long. UGH! try try try!!!!!
but yes, I tend to skip around quite often. Back to New Years Eve.
Fail fail fail fail fail. It was a fun fail weekend. LOlz. WTH. This is probably the first time I actually did some 'drinking'
I drank a lot, not to the point that I'd gotten tipsy or buzzed. I dont think I really have a high tolerance for alcohol though. I think?....
lOlz. I def know I can drink more than my brother and he did not touch a thing of alcohol at all.
Ash came down later at night, I was quite anxious to have her there, mostly because this is the first time my brother is meeiting another one of my friends from LA
and not to mention, Ash does dress quite andrynously and I know stephanie was there and I'm pretty sure shes picked up on a few things.
>____> we didnt do much friday night, just hanged out, drank and Ash was pretty much more or less pass-y out by the time she got there /:
me and tiff spent the restof the night playing Scott Pilgrim on the XBox since Netflix was starting to fail us - yay for shittty internet connection at the hotel room! :B and I eventually went to bed in the living room area of the room with Ash next to me.
I normally dont like sharing beds or sleeping next to people. I really dont. Only I guess if I like them? duur.
Ive always made it a point to steer clear away from Ash or Toshi when I shared beds with them last few times.
A pillow fort inbetween, Individual blankets to keep seperation. But this time I took a chance and simply shared the bed with Ash
and. It felt nice being next to someone. It felt nice....not being stuck behind unrequintedness.
the only time I've actually been held to sleep. Was a couple AX ago, when I shared the bed with Shin. I didnt really talk much about it coz to thisday it almost felt surreal.
Like it was a dream or a bad dream...I'm not quite sure what. I kept denying and thinking he probably thought I was Matt or something.
Or hes simply seeking 'warmth' since the hotel room was pretty cold. But I specificly remember waking up in the middle of the night @.@ shocked as hell. That was the first time....anyone hadheld me >____> and it was even more akward for me coz I def know I hella pissed him off too that same day. So I can only imagine if he knew who he was sleeping next to. I know he had snucked bakc into the hotel room late at night <___< after drinking a whole bunch with Matt and the gang.
w/e
All I can say is...how akward it was. Its weird. In a heart wrenching sort of way. It felt wrong. But good at the same time. I remember, foolish, stupidass me spent the next year and a half prior to him leaving just...hanging on. Hoping that maybe by some form of miracle, things would turn around my way. Hah. like that ever happened. Since he was prety much hung over Matt for the rest of the time he was with me in SD.
And I know I've pretty much lost him years before when I clearly 'fucked up' the chance when he supposedly asked me out. But again, I was in denial at that point
denial coz there were too many people in the equation - another reason why I hate pestering people that get in the way, or ask too many questions. I prefer to nature to let it take its course.
Its one thing for me to pester into other peoples business - when their clearly asking for it. But I'm sorry, my personal life and own endeavors is my own business, so please, kindly back off. Sadly Stephanie doesnt seem to get the point.
Another reason why I keep alot of things to myself - especially in regard to anyone I potential like?...Since the moment people try and pick up, they tend to get in the way and ruin everything
and Steph has most definitely got in the way more than once on other peoples own businesses as well.
I've always prefered to live a double life of sorts....And this is quite apparently, clearly. With my friends. theres a huge seperation with the people I consider "friends"
here in San Diego and the Friends I hang out with in Los Angeles. All down to the way I dress.
When I'm in Sd. I tend to be more lazy. But the moment I take a train up to LA. We're dressed to the night, even if it means just hanging out at a musem for a day. I'm dressed like I'm going to the next big rock concert of some sorts.
Or to a photoshoot. Constantly on the view of 'gotta impress myself to impress other people'
I'm vain. I wont deny that :B
But I've always felt like the people I live with in San Diego...are..alot more conversative than the ones I hang out with in LA.
And I know for a fact my family is definetly one of them. I wont lie. I AM attracted to the finer things in life, and with that, the finer people in life as well.
I like them pretty and androgynous. Possibly I have my affinity for jrock to blame but long before jrock there was Glam Rock.
But a lotof the time, I just justify the reason why I have "pretty" friends, is, they look gorgeous in photographs and should be 'preserved'
I always feel inferior and insecure next to them but I do hide it well with what I like to call "swagger" :B shameless. Yes.
I have fake confidence oozing out of me, to the point that I fake it so well that I convince myself that I AM confident. Haha. It sounds stupid to be honest but in a way it makes sense to me...kinda.
But yes, I have digress badly. I had shared the bed with Ash knowing full well my brother and stephanie are in the room next door, at that moment I particularly didnt care
hoping Steph would save me the embarrassment of asking any questions the following day, surely, I was wrong. She is alot stupider than I gave her credit for. We went to Dennys the morning off when Cathy and Mikey came. Ash kept insisting on paying for my meal when apparently Steph had it. blegh. Then we trotted towards the Theatre which was just down the street from the hotel. Ash insisted on paying for my movie ticket - I may be broke but I couldnt allow her to buy my movie ticket, this is also my pathetic attempt at knocking down any suspicion from anyone. But I'm sure I didnt do a very good job at it since a few times I caught myself standing near her and an arm over her and vice versa. But I def tried hard to keep my hand to myself :B
At the theatre, (we went to see Tangled again, coz Ash and Tiffany hasnt seen it yet) I had badly wanted to sit away from the group. == but that didnt quite happen.
Later that evenig I went to pick up food for the group and thats when Stephanie had took the chance to try and corner me and demand some answers and clearly wouldnt take 'no, or nothing' for an answer.
Well, how else am I to explain this...little...facade. This little game. According to her the players arent even here. I know it looked like a game at PMX, when Toshi and Brit are around and clearly were trying to mess with a certain someone.
But when their not there, that doesnt mean we cant play around still?... I guess. I know for a fact I'm not realy 'dating' her? I guess. I'm intrigued. Interested. Amused. But I know I've talked to several people about it, its complicated. In more ways than one.
For one, I brought Ash into the 'group' to model with Toshi for BH. So, its a conflict of interest....gah. Iunno. Haha. But no one said we cant play around.
I'm pretty sure I'm over Shin. Theres nothing there. There nothing will ever be. So I moved on. I've hurt myself too much over that. I seriously didnt think I could but I guess time really does work its magic after awhile.
Its bullshit that it simply took him leaving to make it happen. Haha. Well, it was either him or me. And clearly HE was the one that stopped me from leaving for Florida.
At that point when Steph pretty much cornered me, I was irritated as fuck. I dont need her getting in the way. And I dont exactly know where she stands on the rainbow flag.Which makes it even more 'complicated' per-se
that and she IS dating my brother ==
and I dont want to teach my siblings 'tolerance' through me, I dont know. ANd I know shes always in contact with my mom.
To make things worse, my dad is coming back to San Diego. I dont know, I dont want to be in any form of relationship per se until I'm completely living on my own. Away from everyone. Away from people whom I have to 'hide' who I am.
I think alot of people think they know who 'I am' and its not like I completely hide it, but for the sake of keeping them from being uncomfortable. I dont say much or do anything. NOt to mention this is a blow to her since I ve never really been in ANY form of relationship. So I can only imagine the akwardness if I decide to really 'go out' with Ash. BLagh. Thats a complication I dont have time for when I'm dealing with....life D:
Oh how I wish it was simply that easy to move to LA. But even if I'm there, I'd prefer to live in my own pad == but clearly we know how expensive that would be :B
I enjoy Ash's company. I really do. It just sucks that I feel like. I cant really 'enjoy' myself when I have to 'hold back' and truth be told, I dont really do anything. All I wanna do is hold her hand and feel that closure. I'm not a physically loving person. I didnt really grow up with affection as the first thing Iknow, so it IS an akward feeling but it feels...nice? Some sort of closure knowing you're not alone and maybe this is my pathetic way of 'moving on' from keeping myself stuck behind an unrequited Plato for 5 years?....wow I really must have been pretty stupid. It just feels nice to be accepted for once and treated nicely.
BTW. THE PRETTY RECKLESS album has been on fucking repeat on my itouch for the last HOW MANY WEEKS/Month already?! XD its so worth a download. And yes, it IS Taylor Momsens band :B I love their album TAT
Anime Los Angeles is this weekend, I guess I'm driving up Friday night to Shou's place >_> late friday night, cut her hair and head to ALA the next morning then. I wont see Ash for long since she's going to be going back and forth with driving people around and doing her own thing. We havent chatted at all, all this week. :V atleast I get to see Toshi? OTL
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